Spaced Out

In 1966, the original Star Trek debuted.

When Captain Kirk first flipped open his communicator to contact the Enterprise I remembered musing, 'Wow. Wouldn't it be neat to be able to talk to someone with a wireless hand-held device like that?'

Fast forward to today and it's not such a marvelous thing! Practically everyone walks around with a cell phone these days.

Camel Trek

The president is talking to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran.

Ahmadinejad says, "My son likes to watch your American television. He especially likes something called Star Trek. I have watched this myself and noticed that the crew is multi-racial; there is a black lady, a Russian, a Scotsman and an Asian, but there are no Muslims, why is this?

The president smiles and says "That's easy .... Star Trek is set in the future!"

Fantasy
A man browses around a bookstore for half an hour or more before going up to a clerk.

"Excuse me," he says. "I'm looking for a book called 'The Perfect Marriage.'"

Says the clerk, "Have you looked in the Science Fiction section?"

Star Wars Lines That Sound Dirty
* "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
* "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
* "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
* "You've got something jammed in here real good."

* "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
* "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
* "Sorry about the mess..."
* "Look at the size of that thing!"
* "Curse my metal body, I wasn"t fast enough!"
* "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
* "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
* "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
* "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
* "That"s okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
* "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
* "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
* "It's possible he came in through the south entrance."
* "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
* "Control, control! You must learn control!"
* "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
* "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
* "I never knew I had it in me."
* "There is good in him, I've felt it."
* "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
* "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
* "She's gonna blow!"
* "I think you"ll fit in nicely."
* "Rise, my friend."
* "I'm sure he wasn't on that thing when it blew..."
* "Wedge! Pull out! You"re not doing any good back there!"

Sci-Fi Geek Pick-up Lines

"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

- "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"

- "Nice Asimov."

- "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

- "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

- "I'm the droid you're looking for."

- "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."

- "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."

- "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

№  1999

Butterfly Dreams (22)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

It's the Thoughts That Count
When I stepped outside I paused by the door and stared at the carnage. The ground seemed to be shimmering, not unlike the mirage effect when looking upon a paved road on a hot arid day.

Michelle stopped next to me, pointed at her car and groaned, "Great, just great! The driveway is blocked!"

Ben and Susan slipped between us and turned toward a flagstone path that led to the back of the cottage. They motioned with twists of their heads for us to follow them. "This way," they said in unison.

Before us several of the men who were sprawled on the ground began to stir and we could hear muffled moans. The surreal shimmer of the driveway scene was becoming muted. Our eyes were being assaulted with distorted imagery.

"It's not real!" Michelle exclaimed. She grabbed and arm and pulled me in the direction of the flagstone path. "It's all an illusion!"

Swinging my arm free of her grip I tried to focus on the surrounding area of the driveway. I stared in stunned amazement upon the visual transformation of what my eyes were perceiving. The very air seemed to ripple like sheer curtains furling and unfurling before a breeze through the open window upon which they had been hung.

Dumbfounded I gasped as the helicopter seemed to un-explode, its fragments reassembling themselves. The effect was not unlike a video being rewound in slow motion. Nearby the HumVee was righting itself, flipping back onto its wheels.

When Michelle touched my arm again I turned and followed her lead. I could see in her eyes that she too was overwhelmed by what was happening. It was apparent that we had witnessed an awesome display of mass mind control.

In mid-stride she exclaimed, "How is it possible? Who has that kind of power?"

I could bring to mind but one name and uttered, "Rosie?"

On the path ahead of us Ben and Susan were waiting at the crest of a rise overlooking the nearby beach. They were waving their arms in a frantic effort for us to follow their lead. Behind us we could hear the shouts of the agents and soldiers.

"They can't be familiar with this area," Michelle offered, "they must be receiving mental instructions."

"Or commands," I countered. "But why are they receiving them and not us too?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I do know that we have no choice but to follow them."

Moments later we were standing where Ben and Susan had been. We were at the edge of marsh grass and sand, overlooking an unimposing precipice of three or four feet to the beach sand below. The couple were not to be seen, but their footprints trailed off to the left and disappeared behind a large dune.

When we rounded the dune we found them sitting in the sand beside a pair of old pilings which were probably the remains of a boat dock left in disrepair. They appeared calm and unaffected by our ordeal. There was no urgency in their demeanor.

"We're not safe here," I barked. "We have to move."

Susan grinned and raised a finger in front of her pursed lips, "It's the thoughts that count!"

"What?" Michelle muttered. "What's that supposed to mean?"

There was a sudden rumble of an engine beyond the dunes, back in the direction of the cottage. That was followed by the distinctive sound of another but different kind of engine.

"The chopper? It's taking off!" I shouted. "We were not safe here. We have to find cover."

Ben shook his head, "There's no need to hide. They are chasing us to the highway."

Bemused Susan nodded, "Yes, we stole one of their vehicles. They are chasing us right now."

Before either Michelle or myself could respond the helicopter passed over our heads on a course toward the Interstate. We watched in stunned fascination as the craft disappeared beyond a stand of trees, the sound of its rotors fading with its passing.

Michelle struggled to stifle a giggle. "Well, I'll be ... It would seem that our mental guardian has sent the bad guys on a wild goose chase."

I glanced at Susan and said, "It's the thoughts that count, eh?"

They stood up and brushed the sand from their clothing. Grinning, they strode past us and began to climb up the hard-packed wall of sand. Once at the top Ben knelt and extended his hand, first to Michelle and then to me, and helped us up from the beach.

He took Susan's hand and began to walk along the path in the direction of the cottage. He ginned again and said in a tone much to cavalier, "Come, there is someone waiting for us."

"Who? Who is waiting for us?" Michelle stammered.

Susan tittered, "Why, our guardian, of course."

(To be continued ...

The Guardian )

№ 1998

Esoterica: The Art of Lost Thoughts

Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man, but they don't bite everybody. - Stanislaw J. Lec

Thinking is only the process of talking to yourself. - Anonymous

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Anonymous

A person may dwell so long upon a thought that it may take him a prisoner. - Edward F. Halifax

Thinking things has been done through the ages; knowing things remains to be done. - Anonymous

Think all you speak, but speak not what you think. - Anonymous

My thoughts are my company; I can bring them together, select them, detain them, dismiss them. - Walter Savage Landor

I think, therefore I am. - Rene Descartes

Here I sit, unencumbered by inspiration, staring at a monitor, its screen as devoid of characters as my mind is of creative thought.

Except for the large glasses, the bow tie, the suspenders and the long-sleeved shirt, the man in the graphic (above right) may as well be me.

So I thought if I was going to sit and think, why not look up some quotes about thinking and thought? Of course, the last quote above is one of the most well known about thinking.

Rene, if I'm not thinking, does that mean I am not?

What if I was to imagine I'm part of a video game? You know, one that requires one to think and to act. Can I pick off those Space Invaders™ before they overrun the outpost?

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. - Paul Fix

As stated above, I decided to look up some quotes about thinking and thought. My thinking was that maybe an interesting quote or two might clear the cobwebs inside my cranium.

Then I was curious what quotes about blogging I might be able to find. I found a few interesting ones:

Blogging is totally weird. - Nat

Your blog is your unedited version of yourself. - Lorelle

Blogging is best learned by blogging ... and by reading other bloggers. - George Siemens

Your blog is what you say when there is nobody standing over your shoulder telling you what to do. - Lorelle

I came across the following quote and like it because it begins with the words that are the name of my blog site:

...it occurred to me that there is no such thing as blogging. Blogging is just writing - writing using a particularly efficient type of publishing technology. - Simon Dumenco

Then I found a quote which just might explain my current writer's block and seeming loss of creativity:

I guess my point is, if you’re one of these people considering giving up on blogging in exchange for paying more attention to Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and MySpace, or whatever they throw at us mere mortals, bear in mind you are giving up on something rather unique and wonderful. - Hugh Macleod

Well, I'm not considering giving up blogging by any means, but the quote does strike a nerve. While I do enjoy the connection with my old high school classmates and some bloggers, I realize that I have been spending more and more time on Facebook and less time on my blog.

I need to recognize my priorities. I love blogging. After 5 years and 5 months of blogging and approaching my 2000th posting, I'm not ready for my blogging to take a back seat to a social site. I will start to work on my blog first and then visit other sites afterward and not the other way around.

Hmmm ... I guess I was inspired by those quotes after all!

№ 1997

Old Age Per Maxine

My one day of employment!

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo Youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy AAA pppinkk onnees, Tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water..."

"Coming up," says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you.Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

№ 1996

Odds & Ends

I recently lost by one point in a pub trivia quiz.

The question I missed: "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently the correct answer was "Africa."

- Stolen from Phils Phun



Two widows were sitting in the lounge at the Senior's Center.

One said to the other, "Margaret in 301 just cremated her third husband."

The other shrugged and replied, "That's the way it goes. Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn."

- Stolen from Phils Phun



This is so cute. It will warm your hearts. Please check out:

Sweet Caroline

Honestly, you'll be glad you did.

№ 1995

Holy Bulletins, Pastorman

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Bless the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes snacks and meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you will want remembered.The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

-Thank you for these, Kathy.

№ 1994

Cletus Looks At Commercials

Don't y'all hate false advertising?

Ya know that airline commercial where theys say bags fly free? Well, don't y'all believe it fer one minute. They wanted a hunnerd dollars a'fore they'd let my mother-in-law git on board one of their jet planes!

(So's I went down to Wal-Mart and bot her one of them new fangled "Swifter Jets" so's she could fly home in style.)

Now this one really raises my dander. (Sigh) I keep fergettin' that some of y'all readers might be Yankees. Listen up, ya cain't grows dander. It's anudder one of them s'presshuns. They's no such thing as dander seeds.

I'm talkin' bout them pills whut's s'posed to help men whut cain't get it up. Ya know, the ones whut have some of them side 'fecks. One is that a man's 'rection might not go down fer four hours or more! They says iffin' that happens you should go see a doctor straight away.

Tarnation! They ain't no man alive what would be a-thinkin' they would need to be seein' a doctor fer that! Some men might go to the doctor's office iffin that wuz to happen, but not to see the doctor. They'd be goin' there to see the nurses, iffin y'all get my driff.

Well folks, let me be the first to say that's all a bunch of hogwash! It's jest a come-on to gets us men to buy them there pills.

(Yep, I went and tried them. Four hours? No sir-ee. No way! It didn't happen. I even took three and four of them at a time and they wuz no difference than iffin I didn't take none. Now don't you go givin' no never mind to my wife. Smart alecky woman said it wuz more like four minutes.)

Y'all know what else gets my goat? And afore you asks, no, I don't owns a billy goat! Thas jest a s'presshun. It don't mean I wanna get a goat or that I got one.

Whut I'm a-talkin' bout is all them places whut claims to offer discounts fer senior citizens. Well, it ain't true - nary a word of it. Like that time my mother-in-law wanted to treat us to a meal fer our anniversary. She took me and my wife down to one of them Shoney's Big Boy hamburger joints.

Well, I figgered that since she wuz a-buyin' I'd order up a heap of grub fer myself. Fer an appetizer I went and asked fer one of them big ol' cheeseburgers and a large order of them chili-topped french fry taters and a large 'nilla shake to wash it all down wiff. Then I got me one of them country-fried steaks all smothered wiffin' some good ol' bacon grease gravy. Then I washed that down with a large RC pop. Now everyone knows that after all them victuals a feller has to top it off wiffin' a piece of strawberry pie fer dee-zert.

Whilst I wuz a feastin' on my food, my wife and her mother they only et a salad wiffin a glass of water.  They said they wuz filled up and didn't even get no dee-zert.

Bye n' bye it come time fer the gal to bring over the bill fer the food. Since the mother-in-law wuz a treatin' I paid no never mind to the slip what the waitress put down on the table. But she sure nuff did. Well she looked at the bill and then up at me and said she didn't have enuff scratch whut wuz needed to settle the bill.

Ain't that jest like that  woman to be offerin' to treat somebody and not have the money to do it wiff! So's I took a gander at that bill and right away found they's done made a mistake. They done fergotten to figger in the senior citizens' discount.

When I brung this to the 'tenshun of the gal, she said I wuz wrong. She told me they wuz a discount on what she had and that wuz fer a salad. The rest of the food whut my wife et and what I et wuz not subject to a senior citizen's discount.

"Gawd a'mighty," I says to her, "She is the one whut wuz s'posed to be a payin' fer all the food. Keepin' that in mind, there should be a discount on everything."

They's nothin' worst that a gal whut thinks she's smart. She jest laughed and said, "That might be true, but it's like this, she ain't got enuff money to pay fer it. That means you will have to pay. And iffin' you is the one a-payin' they's no discount on account you ain't no senior citizen."

Iffin that wuzn't bad enuff, damned iffin my wife and the ol' lady didn't commence to be agreein' wiffin that waitress. Well, I knowed I wuz out-numbered and wuzn't gonna win that argument. So's I pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and told her to bring me back the change.

She jest stood there and said "That ain't enuff money. You owe me anudder five dollars."

I wuz in a fix coz I didn't have no more money. I said to her, "Iffin you wuz to put that discount on the bill I would have enuff to pay fer it wiffin that twenty."

Just then my mother-in-law got all high falootin' like she had some class and said, "Since I wuz a fixing to treat you fer yer anniversary anyways, I'll pay the udder five dollars. It's the least I can do fer my daughter and her husband."

( Well, I sure enuff gave that gal and her manager a piece of my mind. I told them they wuz guilty of false advertisin' when it come to the matter of senior discounts. I wuz gonna give my mother-in-law a piece of mind too fer a-cheatin' me out of my $20, but I didn't want to get busted over the head wiffin that pocketbook of hers - leastwise not in public. )

Don't tell her I said so, but my mother-in-law wuz guilty of false advertisin' when she offered to treat us wiffout havin' enuff money to do it!

№ 1993

Butterfly Dreams (21)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Much To Do
The intrusion into our minds, heralded by tingling sensations within our frontal lobes, was short lived. To a person the four of us had heard the same brief message.

Ben stared at me as if I had projected the thoughts. Susan, visibly agitated, pirouetted as if looking for the source of the inner voice. To their consternation we offered no explanation.

It was Susan who broke the silence, "What is happening? What happened to those men and that woman? Why are we hearing voices?" She stared at Michelle and continued her frantic queries, "You saw what happened. You heard the voice, didn't you? How can you just stand there and say nothing?"

Ben laid his hand upon her shoulder and said, "Susan, I sense that they are somewhat ... afraid of us. No, it isn't fear, it's something else."

I stepped forth and nodded, "It is something else. For now, let me just say that we are looking at ... uh... long lost friends, friends we thought we'd never see again."

"Yes," Michelle said, "but our ... reunion, if you will, was arranged by others. Let us say that their reasons for getting us together are not in our best interests."

Skepticism apparent on his face Ben asked, "...And you know what our best interests are?"

"Honestly, no." I responded, "However, I know that those suits out there, as well as Faye, have their own ulterior motives. You'll have to trust us on this, you do not want to be a part of their plans."

There was rumbling sounds outside of the cottage. It grew louder as if the sources were drawing closer. Michelle moved to the window and peered through the sheer curtains. "Uh, oh. I think our friends have decided to back up those plans."

I joined her at the window with Ben and Susan following close behind on my heels. With its distinctive camouflaged markings a HumVee rambled to a stop by one of the agents standing next to the driveway. Several armed soldiers scrambled out of the back of the vehicle. Another took up station behind the mounted machine gun.

"Wh-what are they doing?" cried Susan.

I glanced over my shoulder at her and replied, "They're setting up a perimeter. They're not taking any chances. They don't want us to get away."

"Shit!" exclaimed Michelle. "Another Humvee just pulled up behind the first one." She faced the three of us and added, "They mean business."

Ben grabbed my arm and said, "It's that mind stuff. They're afraid you'll use it on them again!"

I shook my head and raised my voice, "It wasn't us! We had nothing to do with it. You heard the voice too. There's someone else ..."

"You must leave there. You will know when."

The looks on the collective faces of the others matched the one I was showing. There was no doubt that the four of us had heard the voice in our heads.

Without warning there was a thunderous explosion outside. The window shattered from the concussive force of the blast. We were thrown to the floor amid the flying debris. Missiles of earth and metal showered the facade of the cottage.

Nearly choking on dust and smoke wafting through the broken window I peered over the window sill. Dissipating by a gentle breeze the opaque curtain smoke began to lift to reveal a scene of mayhem before my eyes. The closest of the HumVees lie tipped on its side. The bodies of fallen soldiers and agents lie strewn about the front yard.

Straining my head to the far right of the property I gasped and cried out, "My God! The helicopter ... it blew up! It's ... it's gone!"

Michelle coughed and crawled her knees. "Brock! He was on that chopper!"

We were not allowed to lament on the loss of our friend. The voice rang out inside our skulls.

"Run. Get out of there now!"

( To be continued ...

It's the Thoughts That Count )

№ 1992

Stimulus

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.  This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by Using a Q & A format:   Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?  A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.  Q..  Where will the government get this money ?  A.  From taxpayers.  Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?  A.  Only a smidgen of it.  Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?  A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.  Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?  A.  Shut up.   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:                    *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will Go to China or Sri Lanka .      *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the Arabs.      *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or China .            *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..          *  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .        *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan        *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.  Instead,  keep the money in America by:  1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or      2)  Going to ball games,  or    3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or      4)  Beer or      5) Tattoos.  (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. .. )  Conclusion:  Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !  No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help. ,

THERE IS STILL GOODNESS IN THE WORLD.......



I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying
That they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are
In that category.

The Joplin , Mo. Police department reported finding a man's body last
Saturday In the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The dead
man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while
Visiting "someone" in Riverton , KS. He was wearing black fishnet
Stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an
Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
Unnecessary embarrassment.

See, Police really do care.

№ 1991

Sexual Appetites

Insatiable

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it. Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...

My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!"

Debt Paid in Full

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Familiar Aroma

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

The Handyman

While tending to her housework, a woman asks her husband, "Will you please fix the cabinet in the kitchen? It's been barely holding on to it's hinges for weeks now."

He replies "Does it say 'carpenter' on my forehead?"

Surprised, she lets it go and returns to her housework. As she begins to clean the bathroom, she notices that the lever is getting stuck. She yells from the bathroom,

"Honey, the toilet's lever is stuck again! Can you fix it?"

She comes into the living room to find him reading the paper. He responds to the puzzled look on her face with... "Do I have "plumber" written on my forehead?"

The next day, her husband comes home from work to find the Cabinet fixed, the toilet fixed, and a chipper spouse making the bed in the master bedroom.

"Who fixed everything?"

"A kind young gentleman came by today, said he was a handyman and asked if I needed anything done around the house. When he finished, he said I couldn't pay him with cash because I don't keep it around the house. He mentioned that was fine and that I could pay him by having sex with him or cooking him a good meal."

"What did you cook for him?"

"Does it say "chef" of my forehead?"  

№ 1990

Real Estate Reality

When it comes to buying and selling homes, the bottom line is money. 
What price you get when selling and what you price pay when buying is often determined by factors beyond your control. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so too is the value of a house. In the end, it comes down to how all the parties concerned view the property. For example:

YOUR VIEW

BUYER'S VIEW

LENDER'S VIEW

APPRAISER'S VIEW

TAX ASSESSOR'S VIEW

№ 1989

Butterfly Dreams (20)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Two Faces Have We
There was an awkward moment of anticipation as we stared in disbelief as the entities of Ben and Susan approached us. It was as if our own images were stepping out of the confines of a large mirror.

Expecting to peer into dark lifeless eyes, we saw instead bright living orbs staring back at us. Though our eyes made visual contact, there was the perception that our very souls were trying to communicate.

Driven by impatience Faye faced the pair and snapped, "You're just going to stand there staring at them? Talk!"

Ben and Susan looked at her with blank expressions etched upon their faces. Michelle and I glanced at each other but said nothing.

"Goddamn it!" Faye roared waving a finger in their faces, "I went to all this trouble to get the four of you together ... it's what you demanded. You wanted Michael and Michelle, well there they are standing in front of you."

The agent who'd assumed the alpha role stepped forth and placed his hand on Faye's shoulder, "Mrs. O'Day, back off."

She spun around and shoving his hand aside screeched, "Back off? Me? You back off, Agent Reilly. If not for me, you buffoons would be flying off on a wild goose chase to Las Vegas right now."

Michelle looked at me with quizzical eyes. Like her I was confounded by not only Faye's presence but her outbursts as well. What in the hell was she up to anyway? What part did she have in all that had been taking place?

Reilly nodded, "Yes ma'am, you saved us some valuable time. But hear me on this, I'm in charge of this operation. Unless you'd rather go sleep in the chopper with your husband, then I suggest that when I tell you to back off, you'd better back the hell off!"

Her mouth agape she tried to protest his affront, but could only stammer in humiliation. Finally she managed to speak in arrogant defiance, "Just you wait until the Colonel hears about this." The words had no more than escaped her lips when she threw her hand over her mouth.

"The Colonel?" Reilly said glaring at her. He rubbed his chin and mused aloud, "So, you've been dealing with Wingate also. It would appear that you've been buttering both sides of your toast, Mrs. O'Day."

Faye lowered her head and muttered, "Yes, I'll admit it. Look, he was a friend of my father and I thought he could help ..."

Reilly raised his hand in front of her face and bellowed, "Wingate is a fucking loose cannon. Jesus H. Christ, the crazy son of a bitch was running amok in the streets of Boston!"

"Say what you will about the Colonel," she retorted, "but he knows what my father was trying to accomplish. You and your government friends are screwing it up."

"Lady, we're not here to argue the contrariety of the virtues of the government or the military. Our methods may differ, but I assure you that our objectives are the same, and that is for the preservation of the nation's security."

"Enough!" his voice boomed. Startled by the sudden outburst we turned in unison to face the figure of Ben Bering. His face reddened in anger he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before speaking again. "...And we are not here to listen to your petty bickering."

"Fine," Reilly said, "but let us not forget who's in charge here ... aarrgh!" He suddenly reached for his throat gasping for air.

The other two agents bolted forward and pulled their guns from the holsters beneath their armpits. One of them shouted, "They're using that mind shit!"

The other man raised his firearm and aimed it at Ben. He had no more than steadied it in his shaking hand when he inexplicably cried out in pain and let it fall to the floor. He clutched at his hand as if it had been burned by the weapon.

Without hesitation the third man raised his piece and held it aloft in a firm grip with both hands. In a trice his eyes slammed shut and he screeched, "Stop! Stop it!"

Frozen where we stood, we watched in stunned fascination as he struggled to keep the gun aimed at its intended target. The gun, as if its weight in his hands had increased tenfold, dropped below his waist despite his efforts to keep it trained on the man. The perspiration forming on his brow was running into his eyes making his plight all the more desperate.

He cried out twice; once in an attempt to remove his finger from the trigger, and a second time when the gun discharged. He fell to the floor writhing in pain holding onto his foot where the bullet had struck him.

"Have it your way, Mr. Bering!" exclaimed Reilly his ability to speak restored. "Now get out of our heads."

Bewilderment apparent on their faces, Ben and Susan looked at one another and then at us. It was as if they looking to us for an explanation. I was certain that Michelle too could sense that the pair didn't know what was happening. They were not responsible for the assaults upon the minds of the agents.

Michelle seized the moment and said, "Reilly, they wanted to talk to us and no one else. Let us talk."

Susan broke her silence and quipped, "Alone!"

"The hell you say," Faye roared. "We want to hear what they have to say ..." Her hands flew up to her temples and she screeched in pain. She collapsed to her knees with her fingers intertwined behind her head. "Get out!" she pleaded.

As sudden as the attack had been, it was over in mere moments. She raised her head and stared at the four of us. Beneath her flared nostrils droplets of blood could be seen on her upper lip.

Reilly grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to her feet. "Let them talk, Mrs. O'Day." After handing her a handkerchief he then helped the injured agent to his feet. He signaled to the other man who was kneeling nearby to retrieve his gun, "Outside. Let them talk."

Ever adamant, Faye protested, "What are you doing? We need to hear what they have to say."

He glanced at her, his patience running thin, "They are not going anywhere. We'll interrogate them later." Following his two men he shoved her through the open door. Straddling the thresh hold he declared, "You've got thirty minutes!"

Faye's string of obscenities was only drowned out when the door slammed shut. Through the slightly parted curtains we could see the four of them moving away from the building. I chuckled as I watched Faye's animated protestations as Reilly led her away.

"What a bitch!" exclaimed Susan.

"You've got that right," Michelle said in agreement.

Although the ice had been broken, we fell silent for several minutes. Four sets of eyes studied our confines as if avoiding eye contact with each other. When Susan began to look upon Michelle, she promptly returned the stares. Ben and I then began to act out the same scenario.

The young girl turned her attention to me. She approached and stood before me. Her eyes seemed to be trying to look into my soul. As for me, I was looking into the eyes of the woman with whom I'd fallen in love.

Beside us a similar drama was developing. Michelle was facing the man whose physical appearance was that of Ben Bering, the man who'd captured her heart.

It was Ben who broke our mutual spell of silence, "I feel that I should know both of you. There is something familiar about you. Yet, I feel that it's more than that." He turned his attention to me and added, "You, I can see in your eyes that you know us."

Susan nodded and said, "Yes. I feel the same thing. We are drawn to you." A tear formed in the corner of her left eye, "But I sense that you are repelled by us. No, not repelled, but wary ... unsure of us."

Barely perceptible Michelle murmured, "For now let's just say ... two faces have we. "

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked the woman.

I cleared my throat and put some distance between myself and Susan, "We'll sort that out in due time. For now, I don't suppose either of you can explain what just happened to those Feds and to Faye."

"You mean, it wasn't you?" Ben asked.

Michelle raised her voice, "No! It wasn't us." She gathered herself and pointed at the couple, "What have you done with Rosie? Where is my mother?"

Wide-eyed Susan whispered, "Your mother? She ... she told me I was her daughter!"

Before Michelle could respond there was a sudden gush of air emanating from the back of the house. The four of us grew quiet and turned to face the bedroom door which was standing ajar.

"Damn it!" Ben bellowed. "They promised us thirty minutes."

"It's not them, Ben," I said.

I thought I could sense someone, a presence. Glancing at the others I could tell that they'd felt the same thing. In the next moment I could feel a tingling sensation in my head behind my eyes. The others were exhibiting signs that they too were experiencing the same stimuli.

Then there were the words, not spoken, but loud within our collective minds, "Now is not the time for questions or answers. We have much to do."

( To be continued ...

Much To Do )
№ 1988

Best Cellar Novels

Anita Mann, prolific author of erotica
You won't find these books from the Pointmeister's library on any Best Seller List. No, these titles can only be found in the back rooms and cellars of the shops of the discreet book smiths. (And of course, in the mind of this blogger.)

№ 1987